I don’t know exactly where I’m going with this or where it will end up, but we’ll see.


"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather in a lack of will." -- Vincent T. Lombardi

So recently, I’ve been having a lot of life evaluation moments, and personally, I’m upset with myself. For the most part, I feel like I’m a good person, but right now, that’s just not enough for me. I’ve thought multiple hours about where I’ve been in the past and where I’m heading in the future, and if I stay on the track I’m on now, I will have failed miserably. There have been too many gifts blessed to me that I’ve not taken advantage of, and it’s getting to the point where I can’t take it any longer. I just thought you should know that my life is about to dramatically change, because some major adjustments are about to be implemented. My daily life is going to consist of more priority now, which is the #1 thing I’m failing at right now. For me to practically waste days away by not accomplishing what I have the capability to is simply building up inside me and I’m ready to do something about it. I literally have been given all the tools in the world, and have failed myself, all of you, and God for my output to this point. My will for things and my drive has been so ridiculously terrible as of late, and honestly, I could think for a million years and not come up with a viable excuse. I apologize tremendously for this, but pledge my honest declaration right now that things will change.
I look back over the past 18 months, and can’t fathom why I’m at the point and place I am, because it simply should not have happened, but did only by the true glory of God. In November of 2002, I practically decided to throw away a life long dream to attend UT-Austin because at the time, I felt as if UT-San Antonio was the right fit for me. I signed up for courses, which would not allow me to transfer Universities, and was perfectly content with this decision after a brief moment of sadness thinking that I gave away a dream. However, I strived forward with extreme motivation in San Antonio both semesters there and was able to succeed beyond my imagination. Mid-way through the second semester though, I experienced probably the two most difficult situations in my entire life. To start, in early April, a long relationship with someone ended, and at first I was okay with it, then at times it would just eat at me so bad it was hard to take. It happened to fall on the same week that I headed to the Final Four in New Orleans, which gave me a great opportunity to get away from things and think about where my life was headed. I came back realizing things were going to be okay, and then to this point in my life, the most incredible thing happened. I met another girl in San Antonio through a class around the middle of April, and this person will never know this, but I will vow till the day that I die that she was my guardian angel. Never had I met a person who impacted me so greatly in so little time. She introduced me to a Christian organization at UTSA, a church she attended there that I went to with her to a few times, and just couldn’t have impressed me more. My heart was telling me to continue with this friendship, so I thought of any way possible to stay longer in San Antonio so I could spend time with her. I came up with an answer – summer school. Yes, its true, I chose to go to school in order to try to get closer with this person. Arrangements were made, and I was able to stay with some friends and take a 3-week May Texas Politics class. I was really excited about this possibility. Then, after she and I had seen each other a few times, one week into May I experienced the single most heartbreaking thing thus far in my life. I found a note from her saying that she hoped that she had not led me on, but was not looking for anything serious, and apologized for any miscommunication on that subject. Never have I felt so empty and crushed in my entire life. It was a feeling that I thought for once I had figured out my path in life, and then in an instant, it was snatched away from me. A couple days later, I did poorly on my first test in my Politics class due to lack of ability to concentrate. The situation continued to affect me and I talked to my Dad the day before my second test and was discussing my weekend plans with him. In an act of depression, I had planned on heading home after my test, but for a different reason that any of you know. Originally, I figured I had failed my second straight test, and there was only three total, so I was going to pack up the stuff, throw in the towel and basically give up. Nobody ever knew this, but I brought enough things home that weekend where I could have not returned to San Antonio to continue with the final week of class and I honestly had no intentions of going back.
After this traumatizing time for me, I arrived at home and just broke down. I basically lost a passion for life for a brief time. That Saturday while I was home, I decided out of pure boredom to check my grade on the second test. I got the results back, and somehow made an A on it although I figured I had failed. I will never be able to explain how that happened, and I can’t help to think I may have had some help from up above on that one. So I started to re-evaluate things, and after the weekend with my Dad and dogs at home, I gathered the courage to head back up to San Antonio to continue at the struggle laid before me. I went on to practically ace the next test as well, and worked my average all the way from an F to a B in 2 weeks to finish the course.
I have been raised well, and told multiple times that the only way they could be upset at me was if I gave up. I was on the verge of doing this, but thankfully that did not happen. I was able to hold my head high after persevering through this tough time and was able to enjoy a relaxing summer.
Then, it was late July when my world got completely rocked. I received a letter in the mail stating that I had been accepted to the University of Texas at Austin. At first sight of this, I shrugged my shoulders and could have cared less. I was already registered for classes at UTSA, had signed a lease to an apartment with a friend, and was excited about my Finance major route. After about two hours of not caring about the letter, I read it over again, and something hit me hard. I started to try to think how I got accepted. I violated the rule of taking classes I was not allowed to in San Antonio in order to transfer, I took summer school, which also was not allowed, but here’s the kicker. When I met with my advisor that November of 2002, we sent UT-Austin a formal letter stating to take me off of their list of consideration for acceptance to their University. So when I received my acceptance letter from UT-Austin, I figured there was a mistake. It turns out there was no mistake and was mine if I wanted it. I probably cried for about an hour trying to figure out what I should do, and my heart just kept telling me in a soft voice, “Step out of your comfort zone”. But still, even after I talked it over with my family and decided I thought I wanted to transfer, there seemed to be too many barricades blocking me such as the registration of classes, and apt. lease. Calls were made and I made a trip to San Antonio to discuss it with advisors and apartment managers, figuring there was no way out of my commitments to them. Somehow, it was a very easy process and I was cleared of my obligation to my classes and apartment with no fees of any kind.
It was then, when driving back home from San Antonio that it struck me I was about to do something amazing and unthinkable – attend the University of Texas at Austin. A mad scramble for housing and advising was successful, and was a surprisingly smooth series of event and I was ready to begin a new lifestyle.
It was a bit of a culture shock, but I was loving every second of it. I got involved in a Christian fraternity and that opened up so many doors to my life that I will forever be in debt. Struggles soon followed though in the classroom, and I realized that UT-Austin was a definite step up from UTSA, but for some reason, I was never willing to make that sacrifice to give the effort the University demanded. I ended the semester with a GPA that was purely embarrassing. My second semester, I was able to do slightly better, and managed to make the grades to where I was able to stick around for another year. The fact of the matter is though that in that 9-month stretch, I learned more about life that I ever deemed imaginable. I found out that college is a test of knowledge, personality, patience, and perseverance. It is so easy to let emotions get the best of you and get off track, but that’s why the best of the best are here and I respect each and every one of the 55,000 students that are able to endure this extreme test of life. No matter what my GPA showed though, it was by far my most successful year of my life but obviously changes were in order.
That brings me up to now, where I am so blessed to be at the position I am in. I glance back and realize that God gave me the best two gifts I could have possibly received – the two worst experiences of my life. Without the end of a long relationship, and the meeting of a new person, which gave me the drive to take summer school, I would not be where I am at today. I learned not too long ago why I was actually accepted to UT-Austin. It was because the summer school class I took replaced one of the classes I was not allowed to take in order to transfer in which I signed up for with intentions of staying in San Antonio. So without God placing those heartbreaks in my life, I would not have been able to been in the environment I was truly meant to be in. I thank him often for His remarkable plan for my life, although it was laid out for me in an unusual circumstance.
So after all He did for me to get me in the place I belong, the least I could do is give my full ability and see what happens. But once again, I find myself to be under-performing to my capabilities. It truly tears me up inside to know I can do better and that is the one thing I have problems dealing with right now. I know the ropes here now though, and believe I have a plan on how to conquer this beast. It’s going to take a lot of work, but for the first time in my life, I’m ready.
To close, I just want to say that starting today and until the rest of the semester, my life is going to be different. No matter what the results say at the term’s end, for once I look forward to being able to tell myself I’m proud of what I have accomplished. God has given me the task and He has given me the tools. So for the first time since I’ve been here in Austin, I’m determined to put those tools to good use. No longer will I take the easy way out, I’m ready to do whatever it takes. I fully realize this will not be a circus type affair, but I’ve got to grow up sometime, and now seems like the right time. I am not doing extremely poor in school this semester, but can say without a doubt I have not given my full effort. That, and that alone hurts me. I’m not exactly sure what prompted this change, but I have decided to go with it, and see where it takes me. I have a dream I would like to fulfill, and nothing is going to stop me from it now until I am sitting in front of the UT Tower in my cap and gown on the graduation ceremony night in May of 2006.
I would like to thank all of you though for the mass outpouring of love you have graciously given to me throughout my entire life, and I fully recognize You have made me what I am today.
Again, I’m sorry for my efforts up to this point and my unfulfilled potential. I hope some of this clears up things you may have not known before. Please know I am not complaining about my life in any way, because I have been given more opportunities than I honestly deserve. I just firmly believe now is the time for a change. I clearly know the steep challenge ahead and realize problems will arise. The thing that keeps me going now is the satisfaction I am going to have when I read the following passage and it actually symbolizes my life in the near future.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth
Then took the other as just as fair
And having perhaps the better claim
Because it was grassy and wanted wear
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet, knowing how way leads onto way
I doubted if I should ever come back
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference

Robert Frost



I write this with great love to you all,


Austin